HELLO! Hello. I’m really excited to return to blogging tonight because I just had the most thought provoking inspiration come to me on my commute home from work. I don’t even remember really being on the bus or the train because I was so deep inside my brain. It was awesome and seriously, it's so good to remember who I am. So, while I’m full of energy (which is very surprising considering I just came home from an almost 12 hour commute/work day), I wanted to share with you my thoughts and some new personal endeavors.
Earlier as I was walking to the bus to start my commute home, to my delight, my bus was only one stop away from me. Buses being only a minute away really put me in a good mood. After sitting, I opened up my Bloglovin’ and first read “My Womanifesto” by Amy Morby. I came across Amy's blog a while back through mutual blog buds and instantly decided This girl rules. I have to be honest, I’m not really a blog reader because most of the time, I don't want to be around technology. I’d love to be more of a blog reader than I currently am, and I’ve been working on reading posts on balanced down time from people who drive me. I am glad I did today because Amy Morby nearly gave me a shot of adrenaline as my will to want to be like "ME TOO AMY, ME TOO! YEAH!!"
In my mind, I was standing up on the bus applauding the hell out of her and her muse inspiration to the post : Jes's Womanifesto.
I came home, took Ty straight to the gated park instead of our typical walk around the block so I could have a moment to take out my new pen (another thing that I get excited about easily – new pens) and write down // or to spill out // everything I was thinking. It felt great. I always forget how much dead weight comes off of my shoulders after writing. Which makes me think, boy I’m silly. This is why I have a blog. This is why I've had a blog since my high school Livejournal in the early 2000's. Why am I neglecting such a great space? I started to help me document my life as I grew. To write. To express. Not just to show you what I’m making, or what I’m wearing, but who I am and what I’m passionate about. What I'm thinking about.
So, here is my spill from what I wrote on my paper // My Womanifesto. This is why I’m here on this earth. This is me.
I’ve been on a search, or compulsively thinking about, the different parts of myself that I’ve never noticed, or that I’m just learning. I’m slowly trying to get over OVER-analyzing the shit out of myself and everything around me because it’s tiring me the hell out. Why do I have to pick out every reason from my past to tell me why I am what I am today? I don't. I don't regret anything. It's rather exhausting to keep fighting with myself. Honestly, I’ve always been a really care-free person. Maybe almost too care-free. I’ve always been the one to do something different, or completely random, or to do something not planned. I also know that I’ve always been up for anything. I’ve never thought so much about who, where, why, what, when, or how I am and I don’t know why all of a sudden I’m trying to rationalize, or control who I become.
I am being myself... plain & simple.
Here’s my ode.
I am Alexz Sandoval. I'm going to always stick to my guns. Always go with the flow. Always stay passionate.
Always direct myself to be a more, and more, of a creative person. Always find inspiration, care, and art in everything.
Embrace my sick love for sticking myself alone in my studio room for the entire day, and enjoy the fact that my brain never wants to stop thinking about creating or making myself into something I can be proud of and love.
I'm going to tell that little part of me that tells me to “Grow Up.” To “NEVER grow up.”
To stand proud and always loud. To love my Chicago "lady-like" sailor mouth.
This isn’t my teenage angst anymore. This is the real me. I'm about to turn 25 years old. I'm an opinionated woman. The, sometimes, hard headed, most of the time, stubborn lady in me that I’m growing up to be. I know I will never stray me wrong - that all my choices up to now that taken me to where I am today.
This is the me I need to trust. This is the me who never wanted to impress anyone but myself, never wanted to conform to some popularity contest or some I'm-really-self-loathing or narcissistic media do-this-&-that’s, the one who always wanted to educate myself in what interests ME – not anyone else. I am my own person, my own body- though it may be tiny. I'm my own mind- that in truth, scares me most of the time, but it’s mine. It’s time to get over that fear of fearing myself. I'm done sheltering and putting paranoia in my mind.
I love my attraction to those who really inspire and drive me, and my lack of attention to those who do opposite or slow me down. It’s strength and I’m proud of what I’m able to block out and take in. I know what I want – right now - & I trust myself for knowing what I will want in a month, a year, a decade, or 45 years from now. No one else will ever change that. That being said though, I’m always going to stay open and free, but I will soak in any direction or motivation from my close muses. Never do I want to shelter anyone, an idea, or any thing out – as long as it’s always worth my time.
I'm going to always stay strong, in motion, breathing, feeling, kicking, learning, loving, and going. I will never let a day of mine go to waste. I'm Alexz Sandoval. I'm always going to do what I feel like doing - because that's who I am.